Madougu Shop Sketch
by Bottou-chan
Summary: The Monty Python Cheese Shop Sketch a la Flame of Recca


**Madougu Shop Sketch**

[**Bottou-chan**][1]

[**My Page**][2]

A/N: Based on the "Cheese Shop" sketch by the Python team. ^_^

* * *

Kurei: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Madougu Emporium! 

Kurei: Ah, hello, my good man. 

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir? 

Kurei: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herrys' by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all churlish. 

O: Churlish, sir? 

Kurei: Irascible. 

O: Eh? 

Kurei: 'Ee Ah wor violent-like! 

O: Ah, violent! 

Kurei: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'an ancient Hokage device of spirit manipulation will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some psychic devices! 

O: Come again? 

Kurei: I want to buy a madougu. 

O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player! 

Kurei: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse! 

O: Sorry? 

Kurei: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too! 

O: So he can go on playing, can he? 

Kurei: Most certainly! Now then, a madougu please, my good man. 

O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like? 

Kurei: Well, eh, how about a Kotodama. 

O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Kotodama, sir. 

Kurei: Oh, never mind, how are you on Mugens? 

O: I'm afraid we never have those at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday. 

Kurei: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, I'd like a Sekichuu, if you please. 

O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning. 

Kurei: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, an Oboro? 

O: Sorry, sir. 

Kurei: Kodama? 

O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down. 

Kurei: Ah. A Fuyo Sword? 

O: Sorry. 

Kurei: Bakuju? An Ensui? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Any Kaze no Kadamas, per chance. 

O: No. 

Kurei: Idaten? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Shirahige? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Tetsu Gans? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Yambikos? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Kuchibashi? 

O: (pause) No. 

Kurei: Koukai Gyokus? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Kaigetsus? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Kougan Anki, in its first form, or as Ryu, Kyoku, Mikazuki, or An? Or even in its mysterious, amazingly cool hidden sixth form? A Shiki Gami which will manipulate paper, or perchance one which will manipulate hair? An Oni? A Kata Kugutsu? A Mikoto robot? Perhaps a Tomoshibi or two? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Shingan, perhaps? 

O: Ah! We have Shingan, yessir. 

Kurei: (suprised) You do! Excellent. 

O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit ugly... 

Kurei: Oh, I like it ugly. It's for an ugly girl I know. 

O: Well,.. It's very ugly, actually, sir. 

Kurei: No matter. Fetch hither the madougu de la Japonaise Atroce! Mmmwah! 

O: I...think it's a bit uglier than you'll like it, sir. 

Kurei: I don't care how f*cking ugly it is. Hand it over with all speed. 

O: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause) 

Kurei: What now? 

O: The cat's let it escape out the back door. 

Kurei: (pause) Has he? 

O: She, sir. 

(pause) 

Kurei: Nisebis? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Morning Stars? 

O: No. 

Kurei: A Taishaku Kaiten? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Dokumashins? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Houkishins? 

O: No, sir. 

Kurei: You...do *have* some madougu, don't you? 

O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a madougu shop, sir. We've got- 

Kurei: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. 

O: Fair enough. 

Kurei: Uuuuuh, Hizangu. 

O: Yes? 

Kurei: Ah, well, I'll have some of that! 

O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Hizangu, that's my name. 

(pause) 

Kurei: Kaze no Toma? 

O: Uh, not as such. 

Kurei: Uuh, Fukyo Waons? 

O: no 

Kurei: Magagumo? 

O: no 

Kurei: Eikai Gyokus? 

O: no. 

Kurei: Gedokugans?

O: no 

Kurei: Hyoma Ens? 

O: no 

Kurei: Kuchibashi Ohs? 

O: no 

Kurei: Tendou Jigoku? 

O: Not -today-, sir, no. 

(pause) 

Kurei: Aah, how about Fuujin? 

O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir. 

Kurei: Not much ca--It's the single most popular madougu in the world! 

O: Not 'round here, sir. 

Kurei: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular madougu 'round hyah? 

O: Houmashin, sir. 

Kurei: IS it. 

O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire. 

Kurei: Is it. 

O: It's our number one best seller, sir! 

Kurei: I see. Uuh...Houmashin, eh? 

O: Right, sir. 

Kurei: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'. 

O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. 

Kurei: It's not much of a madougu shop, is it? 

O: Finest in the district! 

Kurei: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. 

O: Well, it's so clean, sir! 

Kurei: It's certainly uncontaminated by madougu.... 

O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Oni's Tsume, sir. 

Kurei: Would it be worth it? 

O: Could be.... 

Kurei: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF! 

O: Told you sir... 

Kurei: (slowly) Have you got any Oni's Tsume? 

O: No. 

Kurei: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me: 

O: Yessir? 

Kurei: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any madougu here at all. 

O: Yes,sir. 

Kurei: Really? 

(pause) 

O: No. Not really, sir. 

Kurei: You haven't. 

O: Nosir. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir. 

Kurei: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to fry you. 

O: Right-o, sir. 

(Kurei summons Kurenai and the shopkeeper is no more) 

Kurei : What a senseless waste of human life.

   [1]: mailto:koganeikaoru@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/EnchantedForest/Dell/2329/recca/recca.htm



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